2 Stars

Amy Klobuchar: Time to focus on me rather than the other candidates

Ms. Klobuchar
stated that she is tired of moderators not paying attention to her. She is a
candidate as well and she should be payed attention to. She isn’t as radical or
as flashy as some of her counterparts, but she deserved the spotlight too. “I
hope that these moderators will ask one of the other candidates, bring up one
of my ideas and say, ‘Why isn’t this a good idea?”

Ms. Klobuchar said. “A lot of questions have been 30-second responses to other people’s ideas.” This doesn’t provide a lot of time for outliers like Ms. Klobuchar to shine.

This hard part of this assignment was finding an article that I could change into an onion article. It was also difficult to change the story and include quotes that don’t completely mislead the reader and misquote the person. It was fun coming up with a spoof article.

Original article: “Sunday night-Monday snow likely to cause problems; exact accumulations elusive”

“It’s probably not going to snow tomorrow… but you can freak out anyways.”

A recent look at this colorful radar display which means absolutely nothing and changes almost every second, shows that tomorrow, some weather may occur. It will snow somewhere. We don’t know where it’s going to snow, and we aren’t sure how much, but once it’s already fallen, we can measure it on the ground and give you minute by minute updates. If snow is actually falling outside, make sure you keep your TV’s on to watch our weather anchors freeze outside as they tell you “it’s snowing” while cars narrowly avoid car accidents behind them.

Because this is the DC Metro area and we panic about snow, we’ve already heard that the roads are covered with some useless mixture of sand and leftover gravel from potholes we aren’t fixing. V-dot has also dispatched a number of plow trucks that will no doubt drive around without their plows not actually touching the road.

The public schools have already cancelled school for tomorrow because if it snows in New York there is no possible way anyone can focus in Virginia.

A recent report from the grocery stores shows they are out of bread, milk, and bottled water… because the apocalypse is slowly approaching.

Be sure to follow us on twitter or look out your window for updates on this “storm” since we really don’t know anything because it’s almost impossible to predict weather. But we’re going to keep trying and pretending we can.

Meteorologists from across the country are in a flurry after the realization of the ‘Potentially Historic’ Accuracy of the ‘Potentially Historic’ Snowstorm that has been vaguely predicted to hit “somewhere in the Northeast” at “somepoint this week” and dump “some significant amount of snow.” Weathermen originally predicted that we could possibly see somewhere between 6 and 78 inches of snow in some parts of the country this week all as part of a single storm. “We’re going to call it a blizzard,” exclaimed one excited weatherman, who apparently is unaware that that word has been in existence for hundreds of years.

Excitement only heightened in the land of meteorology this morning when areas in the Northeast reported seeing clouds in the sky, and observing temperatures below 32 degrees. “It’s tough to put it into words, what the last 24 hours has been like,” a weatherman from Trenton, NJ told our reporters. “The idea of actually making a prediction about the weather, however vague, and to have that prediction actually come to fruition, well, that’s the kind of stuff you can only dream about.”

We will see if this alleged “blizzard” actually comes to pass, or if all of the overhyping will be for nothing. I am told that one meteorologist in Massachusetts got so beside himself that he actually tried to explain to his coworkers about a specific county whose snowfall amount he thought he could pinpoint to within 12 inches. That man was immediately fired. As for us, we’re rooting for meteorologists everywhere.

Here’s the real article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2015/01/25/potentially-historic-snow-storm-takes-aim-at-northeast-this-week/?hpid=z1

SAN FRANCISCO – Jeb Bush announced his likely presidential campaign ideas, delivering an address that covered the economy, foreign affairs, energy exploration, and generally challenging the country to question “every aspect of how government works.”

In addition to the core topics his campaign platform will cover, the Republican former Florida governor has pledged to stop having these conversations in baby talk.  In past speeches, debates, and Q/As, Bush has frequently delivered his ideas on government and policy-making with a high pitched voice, foregoing real words with those that only infant or a person speaking to an infant would use, and in sentence fragments that were often nonsensical.

Bush says it is time to be taken a bit more seriously in politics, though has admitted to his apprehension in giving up his iconic speech delivery methods.  “When I got into politics, I knew I would be kissing a lot of babies,” the potential presidential candidate recounted, “so I thought I’d take it one step further and start talking like one.”

“It’s no secret that Jeb’s unique baby talk speeches have largely contributed to his success as a governor,” George H. W. Bush, brother of Jeb Bush, commented.  “But that’s just not enough to become president.  He’s got a lot of good ideas, like his immigration reform that will provide a helpful path for immigrants to gain legal status in the US.  But nobody can understand him, much less take him seriously, when he announces his reform as a ‘blankie for a widdle owie’”.

Jeb Bush added to his promise that instead of baby talk, he will conduct all his speeches and public conversations talking like a moody teenager.

Original Washington Post Article – Jeb Bush previews 2016 run, promising ‘adult conversations’ on big issues