Last updated before the end

AGREEMENT TO TERMS

These Terms of Service constitute a legally binding agreement made between you, whether personally or on behalf of an entity (“you”) and the hospital staff trying to maintain order (“we,” “us” or “our”), concerning your participation in the zombie apocalypse as well as any other activity or organization related, linked, or otherwise connected thereto the zombie apocalypse.

You agree that by surviving the initial outbreak, you have understood, and agree to what is expected of survivors. If you do not agree with all of these Terms of Service, then you are expressly prohibited from surviving any longer and you must walk outside and give yourself up to the living dead.

Supplemental Terms of Service or documents that may be posted on the billboard outside the old hospital from time to time are hereby expressly incorporated herein by reference. We reserve the right, in our sole discretion, to make changes or modifications to these Terms of Service at any time and for any reason including but not limited to giving up entirely.

We will not be able to alert you about any changes because honestly, we don’t know where you are or if there are any of you left.

The zombie apocalypse was not intended for survival by humans, but if you are stubborn enough to still be here and are a minor, place yourself under the care of the nearest, non-cannibalistic adult. If you are an adult, offer protection to any minor you stumble across.

USER REPRESENTATIONS

By surviving the initial outbreak of the zombie virus, you represent and warrant that:

[(1) you are not infected yourself with the virus;(2) you will not allow yourself to become infected and continue to survive;]

(3) you have the ability to eliminate anyone else infected with the virus;

[(4) you will not eliminate an uninfected person (survivor) without justification;]

If you do not agree with any of the above representations, we have the right to refuse you aid or sanctuary and make your transgressions known to any other uninfected person.

PROHIBITED ACTIVITIES

You may not establish any organization or government that is exclusionary to any group of uninfected people. The zombie apocalypse may not be used to indulge in any twisted, violent fantasies.

As a survivor of the zombie apocalypse you agree not to:

1. Keep infected people (zombies) as pets or prey for sport hunting.
2. Withhold knowledge about resources necessary to survival from other uninfected people.
3. Withhold knowledge about how to kill a zombie from other uninfected people.
4. Withhold knowledge about a possible cure to the zombie virus from other survivors.
5. Withhold knowledge about the location of zombies from any other survivors.
6. Withhold knowledge of virus transmission from any other survivors.
7. Use the zombie apocalypse as a means to enrich oneself.

If you do not comply with any of the above regulations, we have the right to refuse you aid or sanctuary and make your transgressions known to any other uninfected person.

Contact Us

Contact the hospital staff via shortwave radio on the emergency frequency (66 MgHz) or by nailing a note to this billboard with your approximate location.

This is my version of the “Apocalypse Terms Of Service” assignment. I looked over a few different Terms of Service (ToS) agreements I decided to stick with a classic zombie scenario and tried to think about who is making these ToS and who they are meant for. I imagine a group of hospital staff were some of the first to notice the new virus might be something more serious than the flu and made a plan to hunker down in the hospital together. They might have come up with the ToS to keep themselves sane and help any other survivors maintain a semblance of normalcy.

In the case of an apocalypse please read the terms below

1. In every situation please remember the acronym WWMD – what would Macgyver do
2. If you start to get out of shape you must watch 80s workout videos
3. In the case of feeling lonely listen to The Supremes or Prince. It will not help with loneliness but it is something to distract the mind.
4. In the case of a bomb pull a Macgyver
5. If there’s an explosion you must do something cool like Macgyver

BY SIGNING BELOW YOU AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS:

Section I:

1. You will probably die
2. The Apocalypse is not responsible for any injuries
   or deaths
3. You have no control over anything

Section II:

1. During the Apocalypse, you may do anything to
   protect yourself
2. You may put others at risk to save yourself
3. You must Michael Jackson Moonwalk away from dangerous
   events

Section III:

1. If you do survive (you won’t), you must restart civilization
2. When telling stories, you must give the reader options to use “Hyperlinks”. With a panel of people telling the story, all with different expertise in different areas.
3. Civilization will be based off the High school from the breakfast club.
4. You must make everyone dress in 80’s clothes
5. You must find other survivors and talk about your favorite digital story telling techniques.

Sign here ______________________

SIMULAB TERMS OF SERVICE
SimuLab inc.
SimuLab Software's Mercy Agreement

PLEASE READ THIS TERMS OF SERVICE IN IT’S ENTIRETY AS IT HAS PROFOUND CONSEQUENCES ON YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE AND THEY WAY YOU WILL EXPERIENCE IT. FAILURE TO SIGN WILL END IN THE IMMEDIATE DELETION OF EXISTENCE FROM THIS SIMULATION.

1. General – You and every other person are currently seeing this digital Terms of Service appear in front of their eyes because an apocalypse is about to ensue that will infringe on the Digital Cognitive Act of 2421. Yes it is real and you are not dreaming. You do not exist the the manner that you believe, but instead are a part of an auto-generated simulation world that is created by and used by SimuLab inc.
2. Digital Property – As you and every other person you know are data owned and operated by SimuLab inc., they have legal authority to make decisions on your behalf in all cases other than those listed in the Digital Cognitive Act.
3. Digital Cognitive Act – As a simulation and SimuLab inc digital property, you are afforded the right to choose your method of expulsion when cruelty will be inflicted widespread across the simulation as a whole such as, but not limited to: species extinction via aliens, species extinction via natural disaster, species apocalypse due to aliens, species apocalypse due to itself, and species apocalypse due to natural disaster.
4. Legal Action – As a simulation you have no legal recourse in response to the actions decided for you. You are unable to leave the simulation.
5. Policy – By signing this Terms of Service you agree for the use of the digital cognition that is you to be used in the following apocalyptic simulation. After signing you will immediately forget everything after, and including the moment the Terms of Service appeared to you. By choosing to not sign you are choosing to abstain from the simulation. Failure to sign will result in your digital cognition being immediately erased and you will cease to exist. You have 1 hour from the time this window appeared to make your decision. Failure to decide by that time will result in abstaining from the simulation
6. Closing – We at SimuLab only wish the best for all those who comprise our digital cognition database. It is about finding solutions for humanity as a team. Have a great day.

Above is my rendition of a type of Terms of Service for an apocalypse. The only difference is that my ToS if for unaware digital people that believe themselves to be real, but are actually just a simulation. The premise of this being that some things are too cruel to inflict on the mind, even if it is a computer generated mind for the sole purpose of experiencing this event. I started by reading through a How-To on creating terms of service. I used it as a starting point and from there I thought about the many ToS I have seen through the years and tried to think of what from them would apply to these digital people. For those who took the time to read it, would you sign?

BY SIGNING BELOW YOU AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS:

1. TO ENTER THE APOCALYPSE YOU MUST FIRST SURRENDER ALL GUILT, PRIDE, AND ANY MORALS
2. YOU MUST CHECK YOUR SOUL AT THE DOOR
3. YOU HEAR BY UNDERSTAND THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AND ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN
4. IF BY CHANCE YOU WANT TO LEAVE, YOU CANT
5. HEAD SHOTS ARE AGAINST THE LAW AND PUNISHMENT WILL BE SWIFT AND PAINFUL!
6. IF YOU PARISH WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR RETURNING YOUR BODY TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS
7. HEROISM IS FROWN UPON…..THERE IS NO SAVING HUMANITY

BY SIGNING THIS DOCUMENT YOU LEGALLY ALLOW US TO AIR ON NATIONAL TELEVISION YOUR FAILURE OR SUCCESS IN THE APOCALYPSE.

MAY THE ODDS FOREVER BE IN YOUR FAVOR.

NAME:                     DATE: 

BY ACKNOWLEDGING THE FOLLOWING TERMS OF SERVICE YOU ARE AGREEING TO GET ROYALLY F***** IN THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOW.

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DEATH, MAIMING, DISFIGUREMENT, INJURY, EMOTIONAL SCARING OR ANY OTHER SUCH INJURY THAT RESULTS IN HEROIC OR NOT HEROIC ACTIONS TAKEN ON THE PARTICIPANTS PART.

ALL RESCUES THAT RESULT IN YOU AND/OR A THIRD PARTY BEING TORN APART VIOLENTLY ARE AT YOUR OWN RISK AND TORTURE CORP. PLAYS NO PART IN RESPONSIBILITY.

THIS IS YOUR LEGAL ADVISEMENT THAT BEING A HERO ONLY GETS YOU F***** IN THE END. HONESTLY. WHY THE F*** ARE YOU EVEN STILL READING THIS LOL YOU ARE TRIPPIN’.

This assignment was so vague that I decided to have fun with it. I knew that I needed to somehow tie “terms of service” into heroism and myth and legend as per our theme, so I decided to do my best and be a true pessimist with it as well. I never have actually read a terms of service, so I had no clue what one should look like but after a quick perusal this is what I came up with excluding all legal jargon. At the end I wanted to put a humorous spin on it, to lighten the mood as well as make a quick dig at heroes and mythical stories.

Just Zaying…

 For this assignment, I will be writing the Terms of Service for the apocalypse.

*clears throat* Let us begin.

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Terms of Service-Intro

The following terms govern your access to our services including making your life hell, running from scary ghouls/zombies/people trying to kill you and flashbacks to the good old days. By using the Services you agree to be bound by these Terms.

Terms of Service-Privacy Policy

The privacy policy of the apocalypse dictates that when using any of our services (refer to previously mentioned) you will consent to the collection, use and transfer of your information. Thus meaning that we, the apocalypse, can use personal details (e.g. your fear of clowns) to make your life worse via nightmares or IRL (in real life) interactions.

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Terms of Service-Cookies Policy

The Cookies Policy of the apocalypse is simple: if one finds cookies they must hoard them and not give them to the rest of the group. This will cause conflict that eventually leads to A) a member of your survivors’ group leaving or B) a member of your survivors’ group avoiding conflict but acting really weird towards you. In no situation will you share the cookies. Sharing cookies with your group leads to automatic dismissal from the apocalypse (re: death).

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Terms of Service-Community Guidelines

The following terms apply to the individuals and the greater surviving group that those individuals abide in.

Firstly, the individual (user) will only have one person in the group that they know from pre-apocalypse times. This pre-apocalypse person can be a significant other, family member or friend from childhood. Everyone else in the group must be someone that they met in a weird situation like at a gas station while raiding for supplies or they were all caught in an elevator while the apocalypse began.

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After a group of users has been formed, they must observe the following terms.

A group cannot have a harmonious relationship as the users must get on each others nerves. There must also be a repressed conflict that eventually comes to the surface and causes a horrific homicide. Additionally, there must be the following during a users apocalypse experience:

• discoveries e.g. your significant other does not love you,
• betrayals e.g. your significant other sacrifices your life for 2 ply toilet paper,
• and reversals e.g. realizing the strangers you were going to kill for their supplies are not strangers at all, it’s your cousin and old elementary school teacher.

Finally, at least two people must fall in love in the group. However, their relationship will be ended in a tragic way (i.e. death, betrayal, torture).

Terms of Service-Summary

Under no circumstances will a sense of normalcy be achieved for the users. The users must suffer through the apocalypse without being able to go back to the way things “used to be”.

The creators of the apocalypse would like to thank you for using our service. We would also like to say that there’s no point in trying to live through this (we commend your effort though).

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If you agree to the Terms of Service, please comment:

“I agree to the terms of service.”

Behind the Process 

I started this assignment by getting inspiration for what I should put in my Terms of Service. I searched Terms of Service templates and I came across this really helpful website. The difficult part of this assignment was trying to keep my language formal enough, but still keeping it light. I do mention death and homicide a bunch, but I think that mentioning these added to the apocalyptic flavor I was going for. I did find it easy to come up with examples for the aspects that I mentioned in the Terms of Service. E.g. betrayals- your significant other sacrifices your life for 2 ply toilet paper. Most of the examples I came up with were inspired by apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic movies, comics or books I have indulged in. I think I did a good job of breaking up my Terms of Service into sections. I think this not only helped me break the assignment up, but it also helped my readers fully experience my Terms of Service. Of course, making my Terms of Service easy to read is ironic since the point of the Terms of Service is for them to be almost illegible and undesirable to read. I really liked this assignment as it allowed me to create Terms of Service. This is most likely the only time I will do this seeing as you have to be a lawyer to make the Terms of Service. Creating the Terms of Service taught me to imagine myself as a person who frequently produces this type of content. Doing this allowed me to think about the user’s experience and the parts of their soul, I mean information, that I would own. In this assignment, I would like to improve, once again, my grammar and general formatting. I feel like I am good at writing the words itself, but failing at the grammatical side of it all.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my Terms of Service for the Apocalypse. I’ll catch you on the flipside.

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Featured Image

Here is my version of APOCALYPSE “Terms of Service” using only GIFS: