Dear Colton,

I believe that you have always understood what I have been saying to you. But for the next five minutes, I know that you can. I have made a list of ten things that I need you to be aware of.

1. Please stop wanting to go outside anytime between 12 am, and 4 am. We know you can hold it in. We know you don’t need to go potty. You want to sniff around.
2. When you do have to go potty at night, please do not sniff around the yard for thirty minutes after. Just do your business and come back in. We do not enjoy waiting around, trying not to fall asleep, just for you to explore.
3. Do not sit down on any soft surfaces without tucking in your tail. It is not polite to put your butthole on characters that we also put our faces on.
4. Do not whine for your dinner three hours before your dinnertime. We always provide you on time. You are not starving. You are annoying.
5. We must clean your ears every week. They are big and floppy and get dirty from your adventures in the woods. Stop trying to avoid it by running around the house for an hour.
6. We get that you do not like the car. We also get that you do not like wearing a diaper in the car. If you did not pee in the car every time you went inside, you would not need a diaper.
7. No means no. Stubborn dog.
8. While you do like the couch, and we have accepted your spot on the couch, guests will sit on it when they are over. It is not the end of the world.
9. We do have to wash the blankets that you lay on. We know you like your smells, but they start to smell poochy and earth after a while.
10. Every dog gets bathed. And so do you. Get over it.

Sincerely,

Your non-furry sister