Day 1: 

They had no idea that I’m a double agent from the ISCRPA (I never did find out what that acronym stands for). The interview was easier than expected, and I didn’t expect to get the job. The guy who was interviewing me was a complete moron. Betty is gonna be angry, because I told her the last mission was my last one. Note to self: Buy Betty some flowers. These guys clearly don’t know what they’re doing. I mean, what kind of spy agency spends money on a public relations expert??

Regardless, I’m having a hard time fitting in. Things are much different here. I met two agents today whose only job it was to give people surveys. What’re you supposed to survey secret agents about??? They have mission satisfaction ratings… I feel like it must be an elaborate prank of some sort. It just all makes me so angry, and I can’t understand how they get funding.

The people I ran into were suspicious. Everyone is too nice. Secret agents aren’t supposed to be nice, they’re supposed to be dark and mysterious. They talk openly about their missions, and there’s no heavy security to be seen anywhere. Also, what’s up with everyone carrying clipboards and paperwork? How much paperwork could there possibly be? Times are changin, but we won’t go down without a fight. I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more. Who am I? Why am I here? What are my goals in life? ….

Sorry, got carried away there. Note to self: Buy that self help book I’ve been putting off. Why am I apologizing to myself? Ah, never mind – I better stay away from that rabbit hole. I shouldn’t be surprised. They hired me for PR, not operations – but I have to find some details about their missions quickly. I’m not gonna last long in the PR department before they find me out.

Archives

Day 187 in The Squirrel Wars

My human host (I know her as “Mom”) still has no idea of my true identity. I continue to play the doting dog by night and take up my real duties when she leaves for this thing she calls “work”.

Today, when she let me outside to “go potty” (so demeaning!) I saw one of Dr. Squirrel’s minions. Unfortunately, I was unable to act since Mom was home. I barked as a warning but did nothing else. Once she left for work, I used my post in sunspot on the bed to keep watch. There was very little activity today. I think they have realized I am unable to act at night without blowing my cover so that’s when they carry out their evil plans. I hear them on the roof sometimes, scurrying back and forth.

Mom came home with an extra special treat for me this evening. She brought me my favorite type of bully stick and ice cream made specifically for me! I think I will continuously lick her face and breath on her as a thank you.

Day 201 in The Squirrel Wars

There was snow on the ground today. Decided I would rather Dr. Squirrel take over than go outside.

Day 212 in The Squirrel Wars

Mom is going out of town for the weekend. “Aunt” is coming to take care of me as well as the house. I have met Aunt before and she seems to be a loving but clueless human. I will be able to work round the clock in my mission and she will never suspect a thing. I plan on inviting Spot (Agent S), the dog next door, over for an all-night stake out. Hopefully there will be a break in the case….

Day 230 in The Squirrel Wars

There has been no sign of Dr. Squirrel lately, I hope he is not causing problems abroad. His minions have been very active at night and the acorns are disappearing. They must be planning something big….

Day 464

I have been at this for the past three years and from what i can tell, no one is on to me.  In this process of spying on the head of the philosophy department i have managed to make great progress in the areas of gathering information, as well as makings some new friends along the way.  If you have not caught on to me yet, my name is Taylor Richardson, and although I look like a student, I’ve been in this business for about 4 years now.  Mary Washington is actually a really cool place and if I were to relive my life, I would think this would be the perfect place for me, not too small and not too big.  I’m learning a lot from the classes and I never thought that I would struggle in some classes.  I wasn’t prepared for that at all.  I have to end this now, I’m actually going out tonight.  It’s not always all work.

Agent Richardson

Here are a few excerpts from my counter identity’s journal:

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Today marks the day that I leave my home land. I have been called in on a secret mission in the United States of America. Unfortunately, I cannot yet reveal the details of this mission – no, not even in the confines of my diary – but I can say that it involves the saving of those fair 50 states from a menace that has appeared recently.

Below is the last selfie that I took in France. In the background is my beautiful home. It was hard to leave, but the mission that I have undertaken is worth all sacrifice. Plus, I think that I may be able to arrange to have an acceptable property built in America……

Lovingly,
NN

PS. I will sign all of my future entries with NN for Neapolitan Napoléon – my secret identity.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Tough day in the world of spy business. On interacting with some locals today they told me that they didn’t understood what I was saying. Is my accent really that strong? I need to do a better job of integrating myself into the landscape.

Too depressed to write more today,
NN

Monday, January 23, 2017

Woe is me! The first phase of my mission has not gone well. It seems as though I will be here longer than planned. So far there has just been delay after delay. I know one thing that will cheer me up from my botched field work: constructing a new home!

Until next time,
NN

Thursday, January 26, 2017

As I settle into this new country and attempt to conduct my field work in the best way possible I believe the time has come to build a [top secret] secret agent hide out fit for a king. I’ve started to design my royal abode by creating a Pinterest board. I’ve pinned my most favorite things. Would you like to take a look? Look at my next post to see what I’ve found. Feel free to tell me what you think.

Sincerely,
NN