Your Hopes, Dream and Fears is an assignment to write a letter to myself in ten years, that I might be able to look back and reflect upon it later when I read it.  I am old enough that I think my goals are static, whether I achieve them or not is another matter, but I will remember them…. I think. It is odd that looking back to ten years ago, the goals I had at the time have all pretty much gone by the wayside as life barreled forward. These goals, though both limited in scope and somewhat broad, are more impassioned than those, so hopefully this time it is a little different.  I really dislike thinking so much about the future, but assignments like this are good because they keep the pressing need to progress along the path I have chosen at the front of my mind instead of passively waiting for the world to unexpectedly take notice of how wonderful I am and hand me all the opportunities I desire.

Dear future me,
I think a lot about where my life has been and where I intend for it to go. I spent my youth comparatively aimless for a variety of reasons, so it is nice now to have some intended direction, and to have the wisdom to realize that no matter what I intend, life may have other plans and that I can be ok with them.  Hopefully this is a characteristic that you still share, but let me tell you about the things I aim to work toward in the mean time.
Professionally, you (me) ought to have finished law school or graduate school by now. Don’t put that off like you did college. If we (myself and I) are able to attend a worth while law school, meaning if you did well enough on the LSAT to choose the school, then my primary goal is to be practicing law that in some way helps and assists some undeserved class of people. I will do the best on my end studying to make that come true so that you don’t have to look back and think, “if only.” I don’t mean social justice law or anything like that, at least not exclusively, but some sort that you think betters the lives of everyday people instead of furthering the interests of those with the most power and influence. They have enough lawyers anyway, they will be fine without me. You should probably consider something that at least makes enough money to pay for all this school…. sorry about that.
If law doesn’t work out, or even if it does, teaching of some sort has always had an appeal to me, so I hope that by the time you read this, we have had the opportunity to explore that more. I hope that additionally, you are excited and passionate about learning as I am currently. I will work on keeping that alive for you.
You are blessed enough to already have a large and happy family, so I hope you keep and cherish them as much as I do now. I will keep pushing our children to help them pursue their own goals and have the direction that we did not, but I commit to you that I shall make sure those pushes are as gentle as possible.
If you fail to do all that… then you better at least have a funny comedy routine about it… biggest smiles mask the saddest faces or something to that effect.

May this letter find you in good health, until then,
Present Me

To see what has changed about me in ten years time, here is a letter to myself to read and reflect on.

In ten years time I will be 31. Quite a large gap, so I am not really certain how my wants will change, but right now I mostly just want to get a decent job and alright place to live. I am alright with living somewhere fairly local, but anywhere along the east coast no further south than Virginia is alright with me. I would hope that I would have a healthy marriage by the time I’m 31, but at the moment am not at all fond of the idea of kids (I wonder if I’ll ever not dislike babies).

My big dreams, that I doubt I’ll ever really accomplish, are of course winning the lottery and being able to do a world tour, but that’s not particularly surprising, nor doable and I wouldn’t doubt that myself reading this wen I’m 31 would want to win the lottery too. So yeah, not too much exciting stuff here. The only real big change I could ever see between my wants now and my wants when I’m 31 is possibly having a child, since that often becomes more of a biological imperative at some point, but right now looking forward I do not want one at all.

Oh also, VR is a dumb, overhyped gimmick. This is my thoughts on it right now, so I’m putting this down in case it becomes actually cool in the future so I can definitely have something to look back and laugh at myself over

Agnus was born and raised in Tombstone, Arizona. Her mother didn’t work much growing up, she just kind of helped around town and her father was the most popular cowboy in town. He was like the head honcho of Tombstone. She grew up playing in the mud and being tackled by her two older brothers. She always dreamed of being a cowgirl and from the day she could walk was wearing little baby riding boots. Agnus would follow her dad around everyday through the town and everyone loved little Agnus! You could find her usually helping out the people around town, whether that be at the saloon, the sheriffs office or just on the streets. For the most part, Agnus had a happy childhood. Between playing with her siblings, going to school and helping out on the ranch. She was the happiest little cowgirl, and a cute one at that! Agnus is all about the small hometown feel and getting to know everyone, so she decided to stay in Tombstone when she became old enough to make those decisions. Which is where she is now, waiting tables at the saloon down the street from home.

Freshman move in day is all a blur, its crazy to think it was just 3 years ago! I remember that it was pouring (Fun fact: it has rained every year on my move in day), and my box fan was outside the car on the trailer hitch and it got ruined on the trip here so that was a bummer. We got to Fredericksburg after a 3 hour haul from home and I walk into my room and took it all in. This was my new home for the next year and I was so excited.  We started to unload everything but about half way through it was time to go to my team meeting. Being a fall sport athlete, I had to move in early because we started practice so not only was that move in day but it was also my first day of practice ever! You can imagine how nervous I was. My parents stayed back and worked on my room while I went to my team meeting, went through concussion testing and then lifting. That night we had our run tests and I didn’t have any idea what to expect so I was freaking out. The day went by fast, my parents said their goodbyes and I was headed to practice. I ran a whole lot, my nerves went away and next thing I knew I was in bed ready to wake up at 5am the next morning. Being a senior and looking back on move in day I would do anything to go back and do it all again. So happy that Fredericksburg has been my home away from home the past 3+ years!

This assignment was hard. 10 seconds to give all your thanks? There’s not enough time in a day to possibly do that. I had my friends time me and I wrote down the first couple things that came to my mind in this short time. They ended up being cliché answers, but I thought to myself that must mean they are what I am most thankful for. I thank my family for giving me the life that I have today, simple as that. I thank my friends for sticking by my side and making me laugh so hard some times my abs start to hurt. I thank the sport of field hockey for it has shaped me into the person I am today. It has been my backbone for so long, and created friendships and memories that will last a life time. Lastly (well not lastly), I am thankful for my life.

Dear Future Jenna,

Heres a list of your Hopes, Dreams & Fears at age 21, can’t wait to see all you accomplish in the next ten years and look back on what I wrote.

Hopes:

I hope that you are married

I hope that you have at least one child by now

I hope that you are living in a nice home near your family

I hope that you are still friends with your college roommates and friends

I hope that you love your job

I hope that you are healthy

I hope that you are happy

I hope that you are successful

Dreams:

You dreamed to be a pediatric oncology nurse one day, I hope one you decide to do this

You dreamed to travel the world for a year and not have any worries

You dreamed to make enough money that you are able to give back to all those in need

You dreamed that you would live your life to the fullest

Fears:

You feared you wouldn’t get a job

You feared you would let your family down

You feared you would never have kids

You feared that you wouldn’t be happy

You feared that you wouldn’t be successful

You feared that your family will not be bear by

You feared that you wouldn’t be happy

Dear, Mom

You are the best person in the world, you make me happy when I’m feeling down and you are the most loving person along with Dad. There is no way I will ever be able to thank you for everything you have done to make me the person that I am today. Except maybe having Panera Mac & Cheese with you for lunch, and me paying for your meal. Your always the person that I want to talk to about anything, whether it be my worries or hopes and dreams. Making sure I’m safe whenever you can, you are in my opinion the perfect mom. So this letter is just one tiny attempt at thanking you for being my awesome mom.

The first thing I look at when I look in the mirror are my eyebrows. Their bold black color makes them stick out from the rest of my face making everyone look at them first. Then my big brown eyes with curled lashes has everyone wondering from who did I get these genes? But if you look closer, you start to see little spots which look like acne, but aren’t… I mean technically. They are acne scars from the younger teenage years. Some might mistake them for freckles, but they certainly are not.

My curly brown hair lays right over one eye, not because I style it that way, but because it naturally falls so. That is when people get tempted to run their fingers through a curl, but my brown eyed stare stops them from doing so.

My face is weird, but everyone’s is too. We all have unique faces, as cheesy as that might sound, but once you start to think about it, it’s a pretty cool thought.

Note: Something I learned through this assignment… even though we spend hours in front of a mirror trying to look our best and noticing every tiny little detail on our face … it’s much harder to describe your face than you think.

Wow. I have so much to say that I couldn’t even choose a specific age. Where do I even start? I think I’ll start in 8th grade when you just turned 14. Cannot believe this, because Vivian just turned 14 and she might be going through the same things as you. I can’t believe how fast my little sister has grown, but let’s focus on you, or me. You’re in 8th grade and you’re trying so hard to fit in a school with primarily white children. You’re the only Hispanic kid and you feel less than your classmates. You’re intimidated and made to feel less smart, less worthy of education. But that isn’t the only thing bothering you. You see how everyone has natural (well what you assume at the time) straight hair. It falls so perfectly on the shoulders of your classmates and you sit in awe while tugging at your frizzy curly hair, wishing you had been blessed with perfect hair. Then they walk in. The girls who you spent the first half of the school year trying to befriend, just to realize you aren’t one of them, and you never will be.

At lunch, you sit with your one friend. You talk about the future and what universities you hope to attend, but then laugh because you’re only in 8th grade and still have years ahead of you. But then you glimpse at the laughter coming from the other side of the lunch room, and you edge a little until you see them laughing and pointing at you. You look down at your plate and wonder, what makes me so different?

You go home and sit on your bed, pushing your homework away. All you can think about is the chub that hangs from your stomach. As you walk into the bathroom, you think of how the world would be better without you. You don’t realize, but this is a thought that will haunt you for the next few years. When you finally look in the mirror, you look at your uni brow, then at the hair on your arms. You slide out your phone, and search: Why am I so hairy if I am a girl? There is million of websites claiming it’s normal and natural, but to you that means nothing.

Later that day, you start to forget about the thoughts while you play with ChiChi, but it is suddenly interrupted with the sound of Justin Bieber playing from your phone. The caller ID states it’s your best friend, and you dash upstairs and shut the bathroom door close. As you sit, behind the door, you answer and with a release of a breath say, “Hello?” You don’t realize as hours pass and your sisters come knocking at the door. She is the only person there who understands what happens at school, and you promise to look for her the next morning as soon as you arrive.

The next morning, you walk into the classroom looking for her, but she is nowhere in sight. You turn and see them looking at you. You walk past them and take a seat in your assigned seat, but that is when the battle against tears begins.

Fat hairy cow. 
Why do you even go here?
You’re not smart.
No one will ever like you.

Their words pierce your heart as you pretend not to hear in hopes of preventing tears from running down your face.

The end of the day comes, and the cycle repeats.

If I could go back in time and expose my parents to everything that happened behind the closed doors of a private Catholic school, I would do it in a heartbeat. Past Tiffany, I want to tell you a few things which I am still learning today, but they have made my present better and future hopeful.

I want to start off with being a different race. You’re parents are both Peruvian. Your dad, especially, is hairy, and unlike your sisters, you seemed to have inherited most of his genetics. You’re “hairiness” isn’t a flaw, but a privilege. I watch as girls around me do all sort of treatments– even as extreme as getting fake eyelashes sowed onto their real ones– just to have long lashes. You were blessed to have long and curled eyelashes, as well as bold eyebrows. Heck, you get to sleep in longer, unlike other girls who spend time filling in their brows, because YOU already have the gift of flawless brows.

Moving along, your hair isn’t a downside either. You will eventually learn to care for curly hair and you will learn to love it, and never bring a straightening iron to it ever again. People will touch and express their love for your curls. It will become something you learn to cherish. It might take a while, because you are the only girl in your home with curly hair, but you will eventually learn to love it.

The second to biggest point I want to make is that you should never doubt yourself. You will do great in high school and eventually attend University of Mary Washington. You will be accepted to all the schools you apply to, and will find others looking within you for help. Please do not ever, no matter what, doubt yourself, because you can do it.

And, the biggest point I want to conclude with is, mental illness is a real thing. It won’t go away. It will always be something in the back of your mind, but you will find help. You will find others who feel and understand you. You will want to learn more about mental illness and will educate yourself in the topic. But please, please please, remember that whenever you are feeling especially down, you always have two people in your life who will never let you down, your best friend and abuelita.

P.S. You will also learn that Justin Bieber isn’t as good as he seemed.

Haiku for Mabel Strickland inspired by daily create 1/25:

Cowgirl Honoree

A rodeo performer

Mabel was fearless